Until the Clouds Break

I’m running around a park in what feels like late winter, but is actually early spring. I see colors churn their blues in Lake Michigan. Sparkling blue teal where the sun hits it straight, glistening silver. I don’t feel God‘s beauty or closeness in me, but I see it here in nature — the weakly growing sun on my face and the wind on my hands. Sweat pools at the edge of my forehead, catches the cool ripple of wind on my skin and through my hair. I am literally running down God’s goodness in the land of the living:

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. -Psalm 27:13-14

Life has been hard, these months of monotony and monochrome existence where fear and worry have overtaken my body and mind, deep exhaustion, an anxiety that won’t ease. I have been fighting for my faith, digging my heels in the ground, and sometimes, when I have nowhere to firmly stand, no footing, it feels, to stand at all, I lean on the Lord, His strength interceding for me, fighting on my behalf, my protector.

The wind is fierce, bringing in the teeter-totter weather of April, but my God is over all of the earth, all of my body, mind, spirit.

Like this wind that curls around me, we lean in to the Lord, but we cannot see, yet hold to Him, who He is, and His promises, until our faith is made sight, as our faith continues to grow and refine.

White caps are rolling wild over the blue, synchronizing on the surface. I, too, am learning how to operate within the occurrence of the roll of waves within. I am learning more about anxiety, how it is in my chemistry, trauma, thought loops, and the physiological effects that connect the body.

I will continue to believe for the best God has for me, believing in His healing, His grace, His timing, the bluer skies ahead.

We believe until the clouds break into sun.

In this stage of wind, sleet, water, gray, we see small signs that spring is coming. Patches of grass going green, small buds on bare branches. Flowers will form, but even now, days grow lighter, and the light lingers longer, and warming. I remind myself, as I puff through the park, nature is always at work. Spring is coming. God has promised spring rains, rejuvenating, welcoming, right on time.

We don’t know where we are until the clouds break. Then, all is spread before us and we look back over what has transpired, the beauty and faithfulness along the way. Even now, there are signs of change. We do not need to stay where we are, in the middle of the muck. Winds are blowing, waves rolling into something else.

Spring is coming. Slow, perhaps. But steady, too, as it always does. The clouds will break. And we will breathe easier again.