Finding God in the Dark

Shadows enlarge with the entrance of uncertainty. Fear submerges me into the dark, a shell covered with the soft clay of earth, presses down and sinks me deeper than I ever knew I could go. A rise in my chest hisses to me that I am alone, helpless.

If I admit it to myself, I’ve thought God gave me suffering because it would refine my character and “prove a point” in others knowing Him.

That narrative twisted and tore and couldn’t hold up when hard thing followed hard thing in a matter of a few years. God wasn’t cruel, but what I experienced felt that way. And in the cavern, the endless night, God appeared to shroud His presence. I could not see or sense Him close, and I groped my way through questions laced with fear, hurt, and a sharp loneliness.

But it was in the middle of the dark — when I couldn’t see two feet ahead — that I began to sense His nearness. It wasn’t a blinding light that suddenly cleared a path for me, but millimeters of moments that trained my heart to hear and see: a russet leaf hidden in the snow that made itself seen in the sweep of wind. The innocent laugh of my nephews. A spindly arm of our orchid that grew from nowhere back up from the ground.

There is trust that grows in our hidden places. In the gardens so deep, it seems impossible that anything can come to life.

But life comes, in the slow unfurl. God is near, nurturing us when our hearts are neglected. Some buds bloom best in the dark, when illuminated by the light of the One who has already tended the soil.

Light doesn’t have to flood the room to change it. Sometimes it’s a single flicker of grace. It gets you through the hour, the moment. And then another flicker appears, grace again; a lantern’s length of light to lead us.

The Lord is near. The Lord is giving us His light, when He knows we need it, and revealing Himself in those small graces. Take one step. Then one more.

If you’ve ever wondered whether God is still near, see how He absolutely is. Let His light meet you where you are.

Question to Consider: Where have you experienced a flicker of God’s light in a dark season, even when the full picture wasn’t clear?

A Prayer for the Dark: Father, I feel alone in this dark. Be my light, and guide me with Your grace today. All I need is to know You are near, with me, and holding me. Keep lighting the way. In Jesus’ name, amen.

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Get my book All the Hard Things: 50 Days Through the Valley and journey with me to find God’s goodness where it doesn’t feel good.